Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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