Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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