You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
