for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
