I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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