I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
jump out the window naked night went bad
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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