He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
