I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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