she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
