I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
