So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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