I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
vagina is talking i cant
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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