i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
