he tried to breastfeed my turtle
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
