I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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