I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
