it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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