you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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