CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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