I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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