I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
