How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
