life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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