Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
