Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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