He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
