Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
