I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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