last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
