If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
