My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
A bitchslap is in order.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
