went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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