I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
