I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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