I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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