Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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