I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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