I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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