i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
