I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.