last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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