I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Too much gin, very little bucket
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?