i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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