this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
