Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
