i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
