Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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