drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
