I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
