What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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