i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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