New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
