you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
