Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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