he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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