my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
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