she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
