And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
