you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
