how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
