for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
